Question heavy - journal entry

I'm a little bit of afraid right now. Sometimes it feels like I'm playing tug a war. One side my right mind; the other a voice beckoning to my flesh. $$$, fame, politics, recognition... what the heck is all this even about? I don't believe it. The voice of this world that is. That is not what or who I really am.

This holiday season I've been targeted and hit hard. Come to think of it maybe the hits have remained the same but I'm just now fully aware that they are there. I've been partially engrossed in a book called 'waking the dead.' It's not a new age spiritist book (though it sounds like one)... It's mostly a reflection book. A book that reflects the condition of ones heart. It's main stream is that everyone of us are given pure hearts to begin with and as we go about this life we barter away our innocence. Eventually we become people who we were never really meant to be... Or maybe more less we are convinced that we have become people that we were never really meant to be. Our original innocence never 'technically' dies it just gets lost and chained, silenced and frozen somewhere in a dark dungeon next to abandoned fishing memories and homemade ice cream afternoons.

I fear my heart is growing distant from God and from compassion. I want to hunger for him again. I want to be wooed and all about seeking the higher economy over all of this fluff. Why do I eat the fluff and speak the fluff if I truly hate and despise the fluff?

Where is security? Where is the true me?

How about relationships? Friendships... I want to care more about the people I care about. Why is it every time I get close I pull away. Why do I fear commitment? Why am I uncommitted? Who is it I am trying to please? Where is the young Kevin? The happy smile machine? The people person? Why do groups of strangers (even people I know) make me feel uncomfortable. Could I be fighting more? Maybe they know and can see the lack of fight? Maybe I'm not working hard enough? Maybe I am but I'm hiding behind the lack of results in my life to create this false sense of pity or problem when really there's no problem. Or maybe the problem goes deeper than my skin. Maybe it's a childhood thing. Wanting to succeed yet wanting to dream. Can dreamers succeed when they're awake or is dreaming something that happens when you sleep? Where are the dreamers that live fully awake? God reenforce this vision in my heart. Please stir me with something real. Burn off all excess fat on my heart. Make my heart soft and tender again. Pull my intentions out of my gut and focus them on strangers. On friends even. It's easy to love a stranger and much harder to maintain a friend. Be my example for friendship. I want to be the absolute best that I can be! I will not slow down. I will not give up. GIve me opportunities to love. Showcase that love. Change peoples lives with that love. Sharpen my wit with that love. Discipline me with that love. Move mountains in my own heart with that love. Mold it - mold me.