Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Love Frustration
Quit talking about what you are and what it is and just let it be. Grow to know that the only show you can flow is the dough that comes from the honest glow. Relax in the moment. el-natural. Discover hearts, make memories, but do it all under the stipulation of being. Unrehearsed love. Chase it down in a friendship loyal kind of way. Titles are words without real-time definition. They are boundaries and borders set by man. Live without walls. Love is wild so don't try and tame it.
A Distant Deers Home
She is like a song that has wings
Or like a flower that sings
Springs of life over the sea of faces
A princess who owns the right to a future throne
A doll whose sight is beauty and glory shown
Whose heart is the meadow distant deer dream of calling their own
Or like a flower that sings
Springs of life over the sea of faces
A princess who owns the right to a future throne
A doll whose sight is beauty and glory shown
Whose heart is the meadow distant deer dream of calling their own
Question heavy - journal entry
I'm a little bit of afraid right now. Sometimes it feels like I'm playing tug a war. One side my right mind; the other a voice beckoning to my flesh. $$$, fame, politics, recognition... what the heck is all this even about? I don't believe it. The voice of this world that is. That is not what or who I really am.
This holiday season I've been targeted and hit hard. Come to think of it maybe the hits have remained the same but I'm just now fully aware that they are there. I've been partially engrossed in a book called 'waking the dead.' It's not a new age spiritist book (though it sounds like one)... It's mostly a reflection book. A book that reflects the condition of ones heart. It's main stream is that everyone of us are given pure hearts to begin with and as we go about this life we barter away our innocence. Eventually we become people who we were never really meant to be... Or maybe more less we are convinced that we have become people that we were never really meant to be. Our original innocence never 'technically' dies it just gets lost and chained, silenced and frozen somewhere in a dark dungeon next to abandoned fishing memories and homemade ice cream afternoons.
I fear my heart is growing distant from God and from compassion. I want to hunger for him again. I want to be wooed and all about seeking the higher economy over all of this fluff. Why do I eat the fluff and speak the fluff if I truly hate and despise the fluff?
Where is security? Where is the true me?
How about relationships? Friendships... I want to care more about the people I care about. Why is it every time I get close I pull away. Why do I fear commitment? Why am I uncommitted? Who is it I am trying to please? Where is the young Kevin? The happy smile machine? The people person? Why do groups of strangers (even people I know) make me feel uncomfortable. Could I be fighting more? Maybe they know and can see the lack of fight? Maybe I'm not working hard enough? Maybe I am but I'm hiding behind the lack of results in my life to create this false sense of pity or problem when really there's no problem. Or maybe the problem goes deeper than my skin. Maybe it's a childhood thing. Wanting to succeed yet wanting to dream. Can dreamers succeed when they're awake or is dreaming something that happens when you sleep? Where are the dreamers that live fully awake? God reenforce this vision in my heart. Please stir me with something real. Burn off all excess fat on my heart. Make my heart soft and tender again. Pull my intentions out of my gut and focus them on strangers. On friends even. It's easy to love a stranger and much harder to maintain a friend. Be my example for friendship. I want to be the absolute best that I can be! I will not slow down. I will not give up. GIve me opportunities to love. Showcase that love. Change peoples lives with that love. Sharpen my wit with that love. Discipline me with that love. Move mountains in my own heart with that love. Mold it - mold me.
This holiday season I've been targeted and hit hard. Come to think of it maybe the hits have remained the same but I'm just now fully aware that they are there. I've been partially engrossed in a book called 'waking the dead.' It's not a new age spiritist book (though it sounds like one)... It's mostly a reflection book. A book that reflects the condition of ones heart. It's main stream is that everyone of us are given pure hearts to begin with and as we go about this life we barter away our innocence. Eventually we become people who we were never really meant to be... Or maybe more less we are convinced that we have become people that we were never really meant to be. Our original innocence never 'technically' dies it just gets lost and chained, silenced and frozen somewhere in a dark dungeon next to abandoned fishing memories and homemade ice cream afternoons.
I fear my heart is growing distant from God and from compassion. I want to hunger for him again. I want to be wooed and all about seeking the higher economy over all of this fluff. Why do I eat the fluff and speak the fluff if I truly hate and despise the fluff?
Where is security? Where is the true me?
How about relationships? Friendships... I want to care more about the people I care about. Why is it every time I get close I pull away. Why do I fear commitment? Why am I uncommitted? Who is it I am trying to please? Where is the young Kevin? The happy smile machine? The people person? Why do groups of strangers (even people I know) make me feel uncomfortable. Could I be fighting more? Maybe they know and can see the lack of fight? Maybe I'm not working hard enough? Maybe I am but I'm hiding behind the lack of results in my life to create this false sense of pity or problem when really there's no problem. Or maybe the problem goes deeper than my skin. Maybe it's a childhood thing. Wanting to succeed yet wanting to dream. Can dreamers succeed when they're awake or is dreaming something that happens when you sleep? Where are the dreamers that live fully awake? God reenforce this vision in my heart. Please stir me with something real. Burn off all excess fat on my heart. Make my heart soft and tender again. Pull my intentions out of my gut and focus them on strangers. On friends even. It's easy to love a stranger and much harder to maintain a friend. Be my example for friendship. I want to be the absolute best that I can be! I will not slow down. I will not give up. GIve me opportunities to love. Showcase that love. Change peoples lives with that love. Sharpen my wit with that love. Discipline me with that love. Move mountains in my own heart with that love. Mold it - mold me.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Christmas Song of Thanks
What a gloriously amazing year! The tunnel has curved from blackness into a luminous sunshine color land. Peace comes down like rain... only it's not the kind of water that makes one shiver. The best news about this year is that all of the wasteful progressions of bitter opinions are as far back removed as preschool memories. Speaking of which my Dad reminded me of the best southern birthday party I ever had, just this past night.
I was turning three years young and they invited my applesauce, finger painting cronies to our 400 square foot deck in the forests of North Carolina. We had us a gutter cream sunday extravaganza. Imagine a 20 foot rain gutter filled with 20 feet worth of neapolitan ice cream then topped with bananas, hot fudge, cherries, sprinkles, and enough caramel to make 300 lattes. At age 3 hands down and belly's up 1987 was the best birthday party I've ever had! (However, the Trev and Kev slip and slide summer birthday of 2001 was a close second). I don't understand it but Christmas somehow brings out these kind of memories. Thank you Jesus for being born and for giving Mark Carrier the idea of inventing the 'slip n slide.'
Like the pilgrims I have too much to be thankful for. I'm thankful for all of the Indians who have taught me how to make corn this year. I'm thankful for hush puppies which are made out of corn. I'm thankful for dreams. I'm thankful for centers focused on incubating and positioning dreams. I'm thankful for rivers and streams... especially the Nile River. I'm thankful for expressions. I like the number 58. I'm thankful for angels especially ones that sing. I'm thankful for snow and pine cones. I'm thankful for black furry puppies. I'm thankful for Julius Caesar taking the big step and crossing the Rubican in 49BC thus changing the entire future of a little town some call Rome. I'm grateful for people who don't give up on their dreams... for people that invest in up and coming dreamers. I'm thankful for Smokey days because it's smoke that points us to the fire. Thankful for momma and dad and their incredible story of what passionate love looks like after 30 years of dedication. I'm thankful for drowning in the blessings of a faithful God. It's undeserved yet rightly given. Most importantly I'm thankful for you!
I was turning three years young and they invited my applesauce, finger painting cronies to our 400 square foot deck in the forests of North Carolina. We had us a gutter cream sunday extravaganza. Imagine a 20 foot rain gutter filled with 20 feet worth of neapolitan ice cream then topped with bananas, hot fudge, cherries, sprinkles, and enough caramel to make 300 lattes. At age 3 hands down and belly's up 1987 was the best birthday party I've ever had! (However, the Trev and Kev slip and slide summer birthday of 2001 was a close second). I don't understand it but Christmas somehow brings out these kind of memories. Thank you Jesus for being born and for giving Mark Carrier the idea of inventing the 'slip n slide.'
Like the pilgrims I have too much to be thankful for. I'm thankful for all of the Indians who have taught me how to make corn this year. I'm thankful for hush puppies which are made out of corn. I'm thankful for dreams. I'm thankful for centers focused on incubating and positioning dreams. I'm thankful for rivers and streams... especially the Nile River. I'm thankful for expressions. I like the number 58. I'm thankful for angels especially ones that sing. I'm thankful for snow and pine cones. I'm thankful for black furry puppies. I'm thankful for Julius Caesar taking the big step and crossing the Rubican in 49BC thus changing the entire future of a little town some call Rome. I'm grateful for people who don't give up on their dreams... for people that invest in up and coming dreamers. I'm thankful for Smokey days because it's smoke that points us to the fire. Thankful for momma and dad and their incredible story of what passionate love looks like after 30 years of dedication. I'm thankful for drowning in the blessings of a faithful God. It's undeserved yet rightly given. Most importantly I'm thankful for you!
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